I don't know why I keep doing this. Why I keep lying to myself. Why I keep leading myself on.
I've spent the last almost eleven years of my life, convincing myself that there was something more for me. That one day I would get out of this unfortunate Hell Hole I was sadly born in. That one day I would eventually make a name for myself, but lately I've been realizing that's not going to happen. I'm from ELYRIA, OHIO! That's not exactly the star factory. Not saying we don't have talented people, but...
I've known since I was in the seventh grade that film would be my college major. But what am I possibly going to use that for in Ohio? Chances are, when I eventually graduate or flunk out of college (yeah, that's pretty likely), I'm gonna move right back to Elyria and stay there for the rest of my life. With a degree or not, I'll become a waste of space in society. As if I'm already not one.
From the second I decided I wanted to be an actor/director, I had more people than I can count up my ass telling me I'll never make it, tell me that I'll fail, telling me I should stop dreaming. And for a while, I used it as a driving force. But lately, the only thing on my mind is "they're right". Failure is inevitable here. It's Ohio. With a film degree, I'll be lucky if I work in fast food the rest of my life. And based on my last...and only job, I'll probably fail at that too.
I passed two classes this semester. My GPA, last I knew, was 0.500. What am I doing? I'm knowingly putting myself into debt for a degree I will never use. And that's if I even get it, because now, yours truely is on academic probation.
I need to get out of here. It's toxic. This life I'm living is...a disease. I know I must be sounding EXTREMELY overdramatic right now. I just feel like I am wasting my time, wasting my life completely. All I want to do is be in the film industry. I'm not good at anything but performing.
Damn, I sound like Rachel fucking Berry from Glee right now. You know, over the past two days, I have watched every episode from the first season of that show. Including all of the bonus features on the DVDs. Honestly, when I'm not performing, I have no life. I just sit around and I dream.
Maybe that's all I'm good at. Dreaming. Unfortuantely, when it comes to dream, eventually you have to wake up.
~Tyler~
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I feel the same way as you Tyler. I want nothing more than to be this big known Photographer and for as long as I can remember people (family included) has told me that Im going to fail, that Im going to be stuck here in Ohio forever. And when I dropped out of college last year I came to realize that they are right. That Im going to be stuck in shitty Elyria for my whole life. And the other day I decided that Im not going to let that happen to me. That no matter who inthis world might doubt me Im going to prove them wrong.
ReplyDeleteI think we are all dreamers, who would we be if we didnt have those dreams to hang onto and keep us sane? Who says we have to wake up, why cant we make our dreams into reality? We should be able to prove to all of those who doubted us that we can indeed be something good. We just have to take charge and makes those dreams become our reality. Seriously. Maybe the place we need to be is bigger than Ohio, maybe we just need to get away from all of those people who told us we couldnt do it. To go somewhere and start our lives over and become the one thing we have always dreamt of. Within the next year Im hoping to move out of here and to New York. Even if it means I have to work a million hours a week and not have a social life. But thats something that I want, to get out of here. To go to the city of dreams. And Im serious Tyler, when I move I might need an awesome room mate :)
Keep your head up Tyler, Im here for you and I got your back. And Im always here if you need something. And Im serious about the roommate thing, I mean what fun would it be living in NYC without knowing anyone? :D
Just remember that Im here for you and I know that you will do awesome and great things in your life. You're a really good and amazing person Tyler.
<3.